Reality check #9

In whom are compassion and kindness unworthy of appreciation and gratitude?

On whom are our compassion and kindness, appropriate to the circumstances, wasted?

In whom is holiness, however it appears, unworthy of appreciation, even worship?

What has happened to us if we will not seek, and strive to appreciate and acknowledge, holiness in others - particularly "the least of these my brethren?" 

December 2, 2018

I love how I feel when . . .

I am blessed to have many, many ways to complete that sentence.  Of those ways, none is more frequent or important in my life than this: 

I love how I feel when I am aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit; 
when I anticipate and receive guidance, confidence, patience and serenity from the Holy Spirit; 
and when I experience contributing to others through agency for the Holy Spirit.

November 4, 2018

“There is grace in the world and some of it is for me.”

That quotation is from an extraordinary story told by Auburn Sandstrom at one of The Moth’s storytelling events.

There is grace in the world and some of it is for every person, including each of us.

There is grace in the world and, just as important, much of it comes from people – from us.  Whether, when and how to be agents of grace is entrusted by the Holy Spirit, and by our consciences, to each of us.

[Ms. Sandstrom’s story: https://themoth.org/stories/a-phone-call.]

The get-away-with-it culture

Many people abuse others, and society, by breaking the law - violence, driving drunk, cheating, stealing, etc. - or failing to honor basic social values of honesty, responsibility, charity and live-and-let-live, confident that they'll get away with it.
If we really hold and wish to maintain those values, let's work to change the get-away-with-it culture, starting by ending any get-away-with-it attitude in ourselves and not rewarding it in others.

Reality check #8: the take-give balance

Each moment of life includes a complex combination of taking and giving.  Like inhaling and exhaling, this is mostly unconscious, but there is value in increasing our consciousness and personal responsibility.
We take in oxygen and nutrition.  We give love, kindness, compassion, patience – and some thoughtless, regrettable behavior.  We take rest and we play, sometimes at great expense.  We give work, sometimes with great effort, in paid or unpaid service to others, from which we take fulfillment – but at some point we say "enough."  We take support and joy from as many of our relationships as we can – person-to-person, citizen-to-society, human-to-nature – usually in some proportion to what we give to those relationships, but sometimes coasting on a feeling of entitlement.  
With every breath, we continue the cycle of take and give, with some conscious or unconscious effort at balance.
I am alive and well: I know I am taking the basic necessities of life - and more.  Is my taking and giving in a reasonable balance? 
Am I pulling my weight in human society?
Is what I am doing or about to do consistent with the take-give balance I wish for a fulfilling life?

October 21, 2018

Every conscious moment is a crossroads; a choice of what to do; and thus vulnerable to anxiety and regret.

Every human life – each life being a series of moments, of choices – is vulnerable to anxiety, regret, travail and discouragement.

Hope is vulnerable, too, but resilient: after a setback, hope helps us to press on toward our goals and to persevere in the service of others which gives life meaning.

Holy Spirit, we are just individuals, but please help us to cultivate hope and resilience through clarity of what we can do, and through love.

Reality check #7

Ask of any good thing (including the absence of its opposite - horrible, difficult or merely unpleasant or inconvenient things): do I feel entitled to that good thing?
On what basis? 
Is it something guaranteed by law? 
Is it something I earned?
Or is it something to which I'm more comfortable feeling entitled than admitting I just want it?
Am I justifying what I want rather than cultivating gratitude for what I have?
Am I willing to learn, even to work hard to learn, facts and conditions - starting with the advantages I've enjoyed which countless others have not - to which I might be blind, or comfortably unconscious, because my ignorance helps me feel entitled to what I have?

Relationships built on genius

If you believe there is something holy in every person, doesn't that mean there is a spirit of grace and of creativity - of genius - in every person?
What does it cost you to seek and acknowledge the grace and genius in others?
Imagine how your seeking and acknowledging the grace and genius in others could help them find it within themselves. 
Imagine relationships built on seeking and appreciating each other's genius! 
- God (attrib.)

October 7, 2018

Holy Spirit, in these times of conflict, fear, physical and emotional violence, and confusion, with injustice, self-righteousness and pain seemingly all around us, we seek your guidance.

What are we to do?

Today, the response I get is this:

“For what moment have I not prepared you to do your best?

“Also: accept discomfort, at least sometimes, for it is essential to growth.”

(Spoken at Connecticut Valley Quarterly Meeting)

September 2, 2018

For what moment, what challenge, what opportunity, have Life and the Holy Spirit within each of us, an ever-present guide and advisor, not prepared us to do our best?

Is it conceivable that the Holy Spirit ever expects us to do more than the best we can see to do under the circumstances?

Do we expect more of ourselves than the Holy Spirit does?

Whenever you get tired of going it alone ...

"So.  I am a spirit.  Often hard to notice.
It's fine if you don't believe I exist, or don't see how I matter.
You make your choices.  I help when I can. 
But whenever you get tired of going it alone, look within for the guide there.  You'll find it.  And I don't care what you call it."
- God (attrib.)

August 19, 2018

Holy Spirit, please help us to understand the power of love and forgiveness.

Please help us to see what each of us can do to cultivate and use the power of love and forgiveness.

For every person who has built or deployed a bomb, who has fired a weapon or thrown a rock at another, or who has merely spoken with unjustifiable harshness to another, help us to imagine, and strive to support, that person, including ourselves, saying to his or her victim,

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s talk.”

Stewardship of government of the people, by the people and for the people

"The world must be made safe for democracy." Pres. Woodrow Wilson, 1917.
Each citizen in a democracy who is eligible to vote is a steward, bound in honor to do his or her best to keep that democracy, including its debates, vital, functioning, and worth the cost of safekeeping.

Showing respect respectfully

Am I willing to show respect, esteem, support and affection at all times appropriately - that is, only in ways which add no burden on the people to whom I wish to show respect, esteem, support or affection, and which they are most likely to welcome?

July 22, 2018

Thanks to the union of my parents, to the laws of nature, and to grace and some blind luck, I have my body and its health (whatever the degree of my health may be from time to time); I have my mind and all its contents and potential; and I have the time between birth and death - every minute, however spent.

The laws of society give me many rights and everything I own – such as a mortgaged interest in a house, a car, a chainsaw, and rubber bands.

The grace and agreements of others – living or dead – give me all of my relationships, countless treasured memories, and endless joy and inspiration. 

How much of I have – what the laws of nature, the laws of society and the grace and agreements of others have given me – is entirely mine to use, squander, discard or destroy as I please?

How much of I have – what the laws of nature and society, and the grace and agreements of others, have given me – do I hold in trust; in stewardship for the contributions to others I may make with them?

Actions before philosophy

I care about my philosophy and faith.
As curious as you and I might be about each other's philosophy and faith, isn't the threshold question how our views guide our actions? Why would anyone else care about my views if, consciously or unconsciously, my views produce actions which do not convey honesty, basic kindness and respect toward others, and real interest in others' lives and wellbeing?

July 15, 2018

I seek to know, to learn from, and to serve the Holy Spirit.  But what makes that Spirit holy?  I could pursue this same search, these same thoughts, as billions of our sisters and brothers actually do – in any Jewish or Buddhist temple, any Muslim mosque, any Hindu ashram, or any Catholic or other church.  I believe that what makes the Holy Spirit – God however named – holy is not our or anyone’s faith, doctrine, or traditions of individual or community worship.  Holiness is the power, available every moment to every person, of love, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, and patience.  It is that holiness, not righteousness about how to discern, express or share holiness, which should be the highest goal of every religious community, including this one.

Confidence

The Holy Spirit which I strive to serve gives me great confidence.  It is not the confidence that I am right all the time.  It is not a confidence that makes it unnecessary to learn, to ask questions.  On the contrary, it is a confidence from which I ask questions all the time - questions of that Spirit itself; of myself; and of others, such as what they think, so I may show respect and love, and so I may learn and grow.
The Holy Spirit which I strive to serve gives me the confidence that, though I will never be perfect, it will be enough - I will be right with that Spirit - if I always do the best I can see to do to bring love, peace and understanding to those around me.

June 24, 2018

I do not claim that the beliefs which bring me to Quaker Meeting are true, in an objective sense. My beliefs are entirely subjective. My beliefs and all my actions, including attending Quaker Meeting, arise from choices which bring meaning and peace to my life – choices from which I experience growth and contribution.

I do not claim that atheists are wrong. I do not claim that anyone who perceives or worships God – however named – in ways other than I do is wrong. What I do claim is the experience of a power or a spirit which, whenever consulted, offers immediate and sound guidance in relating to, and learning from, other people with love and compassion.

I never read a more powerful or important book than Man’s Search For Meaning, by Dr. Viktor Frankl. That book is about the importance of finding meaning in life, for its own sake and because meaning, though different for everyone, is such a reliable, motivating, and comforting companion. Especially in these times of epidemic loneliness locally, nationally and globally, it is essential to our own well-being and to our level of contribution to others – to Life - that we seek, find and develop meaning in our lives, in study, research, meditation, service – or in the search, itself, for meaning.

Time and will

There are many major types of differences between people. Some differences are internal. Personality alone is unique, at least in nuance, to each person. There are also differences in the type and, within type, degree of intelligence and aptitude; in health and fitness; in our interests; and in our assumptions and perceptions about hypothetically identical events and conditions.
There are also external differences, such as what we have, as measured for example by the quality and number of our relationships, by the degree to which we are loved, by our educational, service, work and recreational  opportunities, or by our bank balances.
There are two great equalizers: time and, barring mental illness, will - that is, the the capacity to choose how we will use our time. Each person has the same 1440 minutes per day. Everyone - again, barring mental illness - has the same capacity to choose to love, i.e., to accept people and things just as they are, and to express love.  Everyone has the same capacity to choose to grow, to forgive, to be vulnerable, and to be brave, all despite resulting discomfort.
Let us choose wisely.

Expectations

Whether we create low expectations or high expectations, we are likely to meet them.

June 3, 2018

We experience grace more often when we seek it, or the need of it, in our daily lives; when we undertake to be a steward and an agent of grace; to keep it in store, and to give it away freely.

Remembering Bettie Simmons Chu. Mothers' Day, 2018

August, 1962, Mt. Carmel, Connecticut, USA:

I loved Neil Sedaka's "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" from the first time I heard it. When the song hit #1, I ran downstairs to my mother and exclaimed, "My favorite song is #1! That means I have good taste!"
She turned to me calmly and asked, "It does?"

Ah.

Hmm.

Oh. It just means I have typical taste.
Thanks, Mom, for teaching me to think for myself!

April 22, 2018

What can we learn about humanity from ... chickens?

On my way to Meeting this morning, I listened to part of a TED talk about the meaning of work. One of the speakers talked about a study – apparently a famous study – of chickens.* One group of chickens was the control group: chickens of typical productivity as measured by the number of eggs laid. A second group of chickens of extraordinary productivity was created. The groups were cared for similarly and followed for six generations, with a twist: the first group was left alone, but lesser-producing chickens were removed from the second group.

After six generations, the descendants of the very first group were a healthy, robust and more productive group than their ancestors.

After six generations, of the descendants of the original second group, only three were alive: the “superchickens” had literally killed each other off.

What can we learn from this astonishing study?

We can learn that the cost of seeing ourselves as separate from others – let alone better than others - can be catastrophic; that humility and cooperation are good for us, individually and collectively; and perhaps that individuals are connected by something invisible, mysterious and wonderful which some might call a Holy Spirit but others may simply, and well, call love.

* https://www.npr.org/2015/10/02/443412777/is-the-professional-pecking-order-doing-more-harm-than-good

Confession of a Selfish Man #confessionofaselfishman

This essay is an effort to change the negative personal and social narrative about being selfish and, by that change, to reduce self-righteousness and increase courtesy among people.  I speak for only for myself.  This is a view, and a way, of life - a view and way which respects other views and ways.  Thank you for allowing me to share it with you.  I hope this provides at least food for thought.

Confession of a Selfish Man

    If we knew how to improve human relations and communications, in families, communities, workplaces – even on the global stage – would we do it?  Reducing self-righteousness would help and one way we can do that is to acknowledge, at least sometimes, being selfish.

    I confess to being a completely selfish man. Moment to moment, I decide which of the options I perceive best serves my interests and values. My decision may be deliberate or reflexive, conscious or unconscious. Often, it has been foolish. But what I believe and what I do are my selfish choices. I could use some euphemism for “selfish,” but that would yield to the perception that selfishness is shameful.

    Where does that perception come from? As babies, we are naturally, perfectly selfish. We cry when we are hungry, uncomfortable, frightened, or don’t get our way. As we grow, our abilities can become dangerous to our physical – or social – survival if unchecked. Parents and others begin to set boundaries: someone tells us “no!” – “don’t do that!” – “you have to do this!”

“Don’t be selfish!”

    Soon we learn the shame of being called selfish and of feeling selfish. We learn, too, the power of calling another selfish – a power that depends on the implicit denial of our own selfishness.  We learn to deny the obvious: except when addiction or mental illness interferes with free choice, it is up to each of us how we respond to the circumstances of our lives – how we spend our time and money, pursue our goals, and manage our fears, impulses and yearnings.

    Exercising free choice is selfish by definition. Whether to vote, to help someone in need, to take a risk; whom we admire or serve, how we treat others, and whether we do what we said we would do – these are all choices. 

    Personal morality is the selfish selection of the values we claim, whether and how we adhere to them, and what we think and do when others – or we ourselves – act inconsistently with our values. There are countless dysfunctional, ill-mannered, unethical, and criminal acts every day, but it is their results, not the selfishness behind them, that make them so. There are also countless acts of kindness, generosity and heroism every day, and it is their results, not their selflessness, that make them so.  Indeed, the essence of integrity is that it is genuine – that it is chosen, not driven by looking good.

    Seeing our lives as a series of decisions for which we are responsible is both clarifying and liberating. In contrast to the heavy chain mail of self-protection and the cloak of righteousness, accepting that we are selfish is a light and comfortable garment. It reminds us to be sensible about our choices – to try to understand what is going on; to identify our options and their likely consequences; and to be honest about our values and priorities.

    Besides immunizing me from the shame of being called selfish, my confession of selfishness leads to a kind of moral disarmament: how can I criticize others either for being selfish – or for striving to live unselfishly?

    With the perception of my complete selfishness came, briefly, chagrin at the realization that my choices make me responsible for every deficit between my potential and my accomplishments.  Oh well.  Why focus on that?  Why not focus on doing my best - and for what moment am I not prepared to do my best?

    Choosing to do our best to be faithful to our values provides a sense of control and of purpose, and an internal gyroscope in aid of our purpose. Being responsible for the consequences of our choices, even in error and folly, we can choose to be our best selves because we get much more from doing so – including the vital satisfaction of contributing to others – than we would from denying our power over our lives.

    The proverbial tree of the knowledge of good and evil turns out to be the tree of only the perception of the knowledge of good and evil: accepting our selfishness makes it easier to acknowledge that, beyond objective facts, and particularly concerning the meaning of facts, we speak not in pronouncements but in perceptions. Conversations become more interesting and the swift resolution of conflicts becomes more likely when, freed from feeling that we must appear unselfish – or that we can’t be selfish because we have a lock on the truth – we seek to understand others’ perspectives and to respond appropriately. The inner conflict from denial of the fundamental selfishness of our choices quiets, and compassion for the diverse and marvelous human family grows.                

© Leeland Cole-Chu

See also Selfishness: The Essence of Life (1991).

@afriendsthought

#confessionofaselfishman

"I am here, too."

"Whenever you hear, or see on a map or sign, 'You are here,' remember that I am there, too." - God (attrib.) 

Seeking the best in others

Seek the best, and quickly find the good, in everyone. The best is ever-changing and it does not matter if the best is objectively true. What matters is that we convey faith that the best in each person is spectacular and that we focus on the search for the best, not on judgments as to its absence.

March 18, 2018

My definition of heaven was, for years, that it is not a place, but an experience - the experience, however fleeting, that everything is all right just the way it is.

This morning I am reconsidering.

That definition of heaven still seems true to me. But it seems limited - incomplete – because it seems passive, as though one must be observing Life from a distance to experience heaven; and because there are so many events and conditions in Life which only someone observing it from a great distance could find to be all right.

So today I am expanding my definition of heaven.  I still define heaven as an experience, but it is this experience:

That my connection to the Holy Spirit is as strong, and the quality of my service of that Spirit is as good and faithful, as by conscious effort I am able to make them.

To me this means, for example, that if there is false witness, it will not come from me.

If there is dishonor of one’s father and mother, it will not knowingly be by me.

If there is theft of anyone’s lucre, property, innocence, or dignity, it will not be by me.

If there is violence, it will not be from me - or, if it is, it will be to deflect another’s violence where possible, or to reflect another’s violence, where necessary to protect an innocent person.

If I can live up to these values, I feel a peaceful confidence that the experience of heaven will still sometimes visit me while I am fully engaged in this life.

March 4, 2018

In every heart, there is a special door for grace.  When that door is kept open and attended, the light coming in reveals graces already received.

February 18, 2018

I attend and strive to nourish this Quaker Meeting for various reasons, but the most important one is to enlarge my capacity to share my limited perception, and my incomplete and tentative understanding, of the Holy Spirit with other people through love and compassion.

Pride and humility

One can learn very fast, accomplish very much, be very attractive, become very rich or famous and be proud.
But one must be humble to grow.

Sometimes hysteria is appropriate.

Sometimes, hysteria - an intense, loud, spontaneous, genuine, undeniable, unassuageable reaction of anger, pain, horror or grief - is a wholly reasonable and appropriate response to something horrible.

What if a victim of, for example, a sexual assault or harassment, or blatant racism, complains truthfully and in detail to the appropriate authorities, refuses to be quiet, to be anonymous, to be intimidated, to accept a money settlement?  The cost to the victim may be huge.  But the contribution to past and future victims of such behavior who may be empowered by the sustained courage of one "hysterical" victim, and to a society based on truth, responsibility and compassion, in calling out such behavior seems at least as great.  

At least, who can in good conscience discredit someone just because she or he is "hysterical?"

Who dares to say that someone showing an intense, loud, spontaneous, genuine reaction of anger, pain, horror or grief should not be taken seriously just because she or he will neither be denied nor quickly assuaged or comforted?

January 28, 2018

This morning I have listened to two very different recordings which now evoke a common theme.  On my way to Meeting, I listened to a TED talk about violence treated prophylactically, as a public health problem, rather than with reaction, judgment and punishment.  Over and over, where this approach was applied, murder rates were cut by about fifty percent.

Second, here before Meeting, watching a lecture on “Lost Christianities,” I learned of, and marveled at, some of the intellectual gymnastics of early Christian writers seeking to defend and advance their theories of the meaning of The Old Testament in light of the life and teachings of Jesus Christ.

These talks remind me of the notion that the proverbial tree of the knowledge of good and evil is better seen as the tree of the perception of the knowledge of good and evil; the tree of the perception of the knowledge of right and wrong; that is, the tree of self-righteousness.

I ask the Holy Spirit to help me avoid self-righteousness, which creates conflict and distance between people and from which it is so hard to grow, and to help me focus on love and curiosity.

The difference between could do and actually do

What's the difference between the good I could do and what I actually do?
Every day, I am responsible for that difference.
Am I comfortable with that?

January 21, 2018

We gather to reflect on, to thank, and to strive to connect with and learn from something vastly greater and more powerful than we, yet accessible to each of us.  That something has many names, including God, Allah, Yahweh, the Way, the Tao, the truth, Life, the Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  There are countless ways to contemplate, to learn from, and to serve this something, this Holy Spirit.  As humble as my service to the Holy Spirit is, there is no one but I who can perform it.  How can I say no to that service – especially since it is accompanied by the guidance, inspiration, and comfort of the Holy Spirit?

January 7, 2018

Eternity begins now.

And now.

And again now.

Of course, eternity actually includes many, many, many nows, past and future. But for purposes of my – of our – present choices, eternity does not begin tomorrow, or next year, let alone after death. It begins now, and it includes what we do, and what we don't do.

Holy spirit, please help me to see, and to contribute, what I can - my personal penny - to the tranche of eternity which is here right now.

December 31, 2017

The only specific query I remember from First Day School with the late Professor Wight Bakke, at New Haven Friends Meeting, is this: “This past week, what could I have done to be a better person?” 

Perhaps its simplicity and timelessness makes the query so durable.

Today, on the eve of the new year, it can be restated: “What can I do each day of the new year to be a better person and servant of the Holy Spirit?”